The All Powerful Janitor
by Cerberus0225
Summary: Who is the 4th seat of the 11th division? Why is such a violent group not living in squalor, but are actually very clean? An answer to the long suffering question. Might add to it later, if people like it.
1. Kenpachi's Meeting

**A.N. Inspired by the few simple questions. Who is the 4th Seat of the 11th Division? Who cleans the 11th , as Unohana would never let the 4th Division near them for their safety. Who does the paperwork? It is widely accepted that it is not done, but it has to be at some point. Why is a building filled with the mental equivalent of testosterone-fueled shaved gorillas spotless? Why am I rambling on about pointless questions? On with the story.**

It was a normal day in the 11th. The sun shone, the birds chirped, Yumichika creeped everyone out, and everyone was fighting in a bloody brawl to the death. So yeah, a normal day.

Once the division was too self-injured to continue fighting (around noon, if they kept to the norm), the officers began their daily duties. This included a tour to familiarize new members to their division, and Kenpachi attending the Captain's Meeting. This was all. The 11th wasn't exactly famous for their chore-work. That would be the 4th.

As Zaraki Kenpachi, who will only be fully named here, made his way to the Captain's Meeting, he was in no hurry. Sure, he was running, but only because he had realized neither he nor Yachiru had anything resembling a sense of direction. One time he _had_ walked, and accidentally postponed the meeting for two days. He had been ordered to run since then by unanimous vote. This way it would only be postponed for a few hours.

In truth, no one actually cared that he was late, as he missed nothing important. They cared because of a long-standing tradition to stand at attention until everyone had arrived. You try standing for two days straight and see how that works out. Once everyone was there, though, the Captains could relax and the games could begin. Literally.

Wait, you thought that they had important duties to attend to? Oh, that is just cute. True, they did discuss strategies, Hollows, and other official business over cards, but honestly, when you meet every week in an afterlife, not much changes. This led to several very boring meetings until someone had the idea to bring cards. Since then, the Captains rotate over what games to play when there was nothing to discuss. This week was trivia.

"Now that Kenpachi has arrived, we may begin the meeting." Head-Captain Yamamoto began. "Does anyone have any personal news they would like to discuss?"

"I would like to commend Kenpachi for setting a new self-record for fastest arrival time. He was only two hours late, instead of his usual four." Histugaya stated.

"Yes, we were all surprised by his promptness, moving on." Yamamoto replied, "Now, does anyone have any serious business?"

No one spoke.

"Then let us begin our game."

A few rounds in, and everyone was enjoying themselves. Most of the cards they knew well, so they threw in new ones each time they played to keep themselves on their toes. One of these cards now came up.

"How many Shinigami constantly have their zanpakuto in it's first release, and who?" Kenpachi read off to Soi Fon.

Soi Fon smirked at the easy question. "Obviously two. Yourself, Kenpachi, and Ichigo Kurasaki." She leaned back to collect the meager reward for the question while the others cursed her (in their heads, no one was crazy enough to say it out loud) for the easy card.

"Wrong." Kenpachi said, putting the card back in the deck.

"WHAT?" Most of the Captains stated, as this was obviously a stunning revelation.

Kenpachi explained. "There are actually three. The two you mentioned..." he sighed with regret. "And my 4th Seat."

"How is he the 4th seat if he's got that high of a spiritual pressure too-"

"Because I honestly don't know if it's because of his spiritual pressure or if he just doesn't bother to seal it, and it is just ridiculous." Kenpachi cut the Captains off. Yes, they were speaking in tandem. Unrehearsed.

"Why doesn't he seal it?"

"Because he is constantly using his shikai." Kenpachi responded.

"What is his Shikai?" Kuchiki asked.

All the Captains pressed forward to hear the answer.

Kenpachi sighed, again with regret.

"A mop..."

"What." They all asked. At least, the ones that could operate their mouths.

"...and bucket." Kenpachi finished.

They all stared at him for more details.

"Who do you think cleans the barracks?" Kenpachi told them with a straight face.

"That explains why it's always clean, even though the 4th Division won't touch your barracks with a ten-meter pole." Kurotsuchi mentioned.

"He also does the paperwork, and cooks."

"Wait, why is he your 4th seat?" Hitsugaya asked.

At this point, the trivia was entirely forgotten.

Kenpachi didn't hear this and continued on. "He's extremely polite, and honestly, I just call him Butler. No one remembers his real name."

"_Why_ is he in the 11th Division?" Was the collective thought. Hitsugaya brought it up.

Kenpachi grinned that crazy smile that looks like he's going to rip your throat out for shits and giggles. "Because, what do you think a guy who bottles every little insult and jab at him for being polite and having a pathetic Zanpakuto does with all that bottled-up irritation and rage?"

Everyone waited for the answer.

Kenpachi grinned more, if that was possible. "When he fights, he remembers every little insult, and takes them out on his opponent. He could tear through an army and still be furious enough to destroy three more. Plus, when you have such a pathetic shikai, you learn how to use it for combat in some innovative ways."

"If he uses that much rage, how is he not injured in the daily brawl?" Unohana asked. She had never treated the 4th seat, and had actually forgotten there was supposed to be one.

"He doesn't join. He's too busy dragging the members to the front so the medics can get them. Then he mops up the blood until it's clean enough to eat off of, and does who-knows-what after-wards. I don't actually keep track off him. As long as everything's clean, the food's hot, and the paperwork is done, I don't care." Was Kenpachi's reply. "Plus, ever since that one time, I expressly forbid him from fighting other Shinigami."

In the next moment, Kenpachi was on the ground with every sword in the room pointed at him.

"Where is the real Kenpachi Zaraki?" Soifon yelled at him while holding him down.

Kenpachi just laughed at them. "I forbid him because he beat everyone too badly to fight me before I got to any of them."

Everyone was back in their seats, their worries settled.

"If he's that good, why isn't he your Lieutenant?"

"Because he didn't beat Yachiru, and Ikkaku and Yumichika were both in the 4th division already. He's the 4th seat only because Yumichika didn't want it. Otherwise he'd be 5th." He shuddered. "Plus, how would I look if my Lieutenant had a _mop_ for a shikai?"

Everyone smartly decided not to question the logic of having a little girl as a Lieutenant.

**11th Division**

"And this is the courtyard. Here we try to kill each other every single day. You probably won't last your first week, but that's okay because you're expendable. Any questions?" Ikkaku asked his small group of new 11th Division recruits.

One person raised their hand. This act of intolerable politeness was met with said hand lying on the ground as the poor sap screamed and clutched his bleeding stump. Another recruit handed him his...hand, as it were, and pointed him towards the 4th Division. For treatment or to join, no one was sure.

Once that episode was over, another recruit spoke up. "If you fight here every day, why isn't the floor covered in blood?"

"An excellent question." Ikkaku replied before punching him in the face. "If any of you question who cleans here, because god knows it isn't the 4th division, you will be beaten, because if anyone questions it, it might be in earshot of who does clean it, and that might convince them to _stop_ cleaning it, which no one wants. Any other questions?"

"Who's the 4th Seat?" Another poor sap asked. He was stabbed through the chest. The recruits realized that any question would be bad for them.

"I don't know, and it fucking pisses me off, because I can't fight the person that supposedly is closest to me in strength. Now beat it."

Everyone ran to avoid the potential violence. Or to cause some. The first group went on to become successful members of the 4th Division while the second either became 11th division canon fodder or wound up dead. No one really cared which.

In the corner, a man holding a mop just sighed, picking up the bucket to go clean once Ikkaku had left.

And he had just got the place to shine to.


	2. Yachiru's Candy

**A.N. Thanks for the inspiration. This chapter was based on a review (you know who you are). **

Yachiru wandered around the 11th Division barracks, happily lost in thought. At least, this is what she thought she was doing. In reality, she was running around shrieking like a two-year-old on a sugar high biting random peoples' heads while munching on candy. So naturally, she wouldn't think of throwing the wrappers away.

Never mind that it pissed the 4th off more than anything else to try and clean all the wrappers, _every day, _across the entire division, while simultaneously trying to keep everything else under control. Food didn't cook itself. At least not yet. He heard that the 12th Division was working on that problem, but he had small hopes for anything that was captained by Kurotsuchi. More than likely, the device would turn anything it cooked into some kind of sentient being which would then go on rampage. But at least Kurotsuchi would have another test subject.

He had reached his limit. The endless amounts of Hershey's, M&M's, MARS Bars, and many, _many_ more tons of candy than any human being should be able to physically consume, had reached his last nerve.

He was _really_ feeling like just killing everyone in the division and being done with it all.

Instead, he wrapped those feelings in a box, and shoved that box into the 'Do Not Enter' space of his mind. He was going to need to enlarge that place soon, it was getting cramped. Again.

He went to the message board while everyone was asleep, and posted a calm, respectful request for Yachiru to _please_ throw away her wrappers.

_'Lieutenant Yachiru of the 11th, it is with the utmost respect that I, the 4th seat, request that you use the properly labeled containers when you dispose of your wrappers. It has become an annoyance.' _

The message was promptly ignored the following morning. In fact, there were _more _wrappers than usual. The only person to pay any attention to it was Ikkaku, and only because he wanted to know when it was posted so he could challenge the 4th to a fight. Which was exactly why he had posted it when everyone was asleep.

It was time for drastic action. So, he posted a slightly less respectful message.

'_To Lieutenant Yachiru, a.k.a the pink-haired brat, use the goddamn trash cans for your motherfucking wrappers. I have had enough of waking up every fucking morning to see that the damn floor has been redecorated by your shit. The 4__th__ Seat, you bitch. Remember who it is who cooks your food.'_

Needless to say, the message was met with a mixed reply. On one hand, he now had two seated officers who wanted to kill him, but on the other, people now knew who it was that cooked, cleaned, and did the paperwork. Most people thought it was suicide to attack anyone with that much energy, and everyone else decided that they liked having a hot meal and clean clothes. Yumichika just wondered how anyone with such an ugly number could be so good at cleaning. He even did his special silk sheets just right. And the food was simply _fabulous~_.

Seeing as this message had failed, the 4th decided to call out the heavy equipment. There was a certain advantage to doing all the paperwork, and this included access to just about every form he might need. All he needed was to wait until Kenpachi was drunk enough to sign whatever was in front of his face, which was every night, and then send it in to be finalized.

The following week, he grinned to himself. No more wrappers, no more candy crumbs, and Yachiru wasn't bouncing off the walls as much as before. Instead, she had taken to wandering around the Soul Society (A.N I forgot how to spell the name, okay?) bouncing off the buildings and biting random passerby while munching on candy. Now she only was crazy when she got back after a sugar rush, and then it was confined to her quarters. It was _so_ much easier to clean when footprints were on the floor, as opposed to the wall and ceiling. His idea to get candy banned in the 11th Division was working perfectly. And as a bonus, other people got to deal with Yachiru's sugar-induced hyperactivity, combined with her childish mind.

He wondered if that might come back to bite him later, but dismissed the thought. After all, if he didn't finish these toilets, he wouldn't be there to take the souffle out before it burned.

One more week later, he had that thought, and realized that his plan might have needed some fine-tuning. He had simply been thankful that other people were dealing with Yachiru. He forgot that this meant that _other people_ were dealing with _Yachiru._ It really had surprised him when a new law was passed banning the sale of anything containing sugar to her.

And now, he had to deal with the problem. A hyperactive Yachiru was _much_ better than a grumpy Yachiru. Everyone had quickly realized exactly why Yachiru was the Lieutenant. He inwardly winced. It had taken him _hours_ to clean after that mess the fight left, and he had been cleaning after fights for so long he could do it in minutes.

He hadn't known that you could stain concrete. Especially not with blood.

He decided that the best way to fix the problem he had caused was to do something he had sworn he would never do. He had to give Yachiru her sugar back. So he set up a meeting with her via the message boards, arranging for her to meet at the kitchen after dark. He then donned a disguise that would fool Yachiru, a fake mustache, and went to meet her.

Yachiru saw him and moved to pounce.

"WAIT! I don't have any sugar! But I can get you it." He said in a voice he probably thought was mysterious and enticing. It came out more hoarse and gruff, but that was mainly because no one had spoken to him in fifty years.

Yachiru stopped and listened to what he had to offer.

"I can leave a bucket of candy in your room when I clean it. I can do this every night, on one condition."

"Anything." She replied in a desperate, but still vomit-inducingly cute voice.

"Throw your wrappers in the trash."

"Deal."

And so, Yachiru got her regular fix of sugar, and the 4th no longer had to deal with wrappers. The 11th Division knew who it was that truly controlled the barracks, Yumichika still wondered how anyone on the 4th seat could get his silk sheets so soft, and Ikkaku continued to search for him to fight. But from then on, he was secretly called the all-powerful janitor.


	3. The 4th's Poem

**A.N. I honestly have no idea where I'm going with this. Feedback really helps with that sort of thing.**

_'The All Powerful Janitor, aka The 4th Seat of the 11th, aka Butler, has deemed to put his average day into poetry. Please enjoy the first installment of this humorous tale. It has been censored for your benefit.'_

-Shinigami Public Newspaper

I wake up bright and early,

And prepare for another day,

Of cleaning for the surly,

Division 11, yay.

I get the rooms clean,

And finish the paperwork,

Cook with meat (not lean),

And then I clean the murk.

The beds are full of scum,

They are sties overnight,

Cause they are covered in ***,

From when the grip is tight.

The plates are left behind,

The food left on the ground,

For they have no mind,

When they go to pound.

The blood flows, a river,

A lake, in the yard,

From all the stabbed livers,

And the bloke who's charred.

I throw the bodies back,

To the waiting Medics,

Or into a sack,

After I give them a few kicks.

I take them to the twelfth,

For their eager testing,

Or to be put on a shelf,

They are quite interesting.

I drag the moaning f***ers,

All to the fourth,

Before their all berserkers,

And for my own mirth.

I then get my mop,

And I clean the blood,

After-wards I get to chop,

Away at the crud.

While I clean the bathrooms,

I hear someone call me lame,

And as I pick mushrooms,

I think their all the same.

I make a delicious stew,

From the wild mushroom,

I skip past the normal crew,

And take it to that man's room.

Later I drag him out,

To let the fourth at him.

Wait! Beyond any doubt,

The twelfth will take him.

Now, to clean the fridge,easy as a breeze,

I open the door and reach up top,

The growling sounds make me freeze,

And make me get my mop.

Battle with the tentacle swarm,

From a bad hentai,

I jab my mop to cause them harm,

And try to make them die.

Success! They are dead.

The mop has made them mushy,

As I pull it by the head,

I think it will make good sushi.

The day goes on much the same,

And I see the pink-haired brat,

I clean on and hope she's tame,

Otherwise I toss her a rat.

As she munches on her treat,

I clean shoe-prints off the ceiling,

Thinking that, as fourth seat,

I will soon be done with cleaning.

I avoid Ikkaku once again,

He always looks to fight,

I have no intention of harming him,

and I do not fear his might.

As I lay down to sleep,

I think tomorrow will be another day,

Before I dream of counting sheep,

I think, 'Why is Yumichika so gay?'


	4. Yamamoto's Bet

**A.N. As I type this, I see that there is a conspicuously large difference between my visits and my reviews. And by conspicuous, I mean that 41 people read chapter 3, 91 people read chapter 2 and two-hundred-fucking-four people read chapter 1, while I have FOURTEEN reviews. I would ask why there is such a huge difference, but I have to say I am rather satisfied that this is already getting this many views. I would like to get more reviews, but I guess we can't always have what we want. If anyone has an idea or suggestion, please pm me. Also, I have added a small poll as to what you would like to see next, just to see what my audience likes. Please take a moment to look at it.**

Day One  
Captain-Commander Yamamoto considered his options over the matter presented by the Captains. There was no doubt that Aizen was the larger threat, but this issue required their attention as well. Evidently, due to Substitute-Soul Reaper Ichigo Kurosaki, as well as his powerful friends, there was a huge increase in Hollow activity in their village. While they certainly had done a fine job of handling the issue so far, there was no way that they could possibly eliminate every Hollow that showed up, especially as the numbers grew. And a few Hollows were more than smart enough to hide while they killed in secret. So, it would be irresponsible of the Soul Reapers _not_ to do their job, and help eliminate the Hollows of Karakura Town.

So, they had no choice but to send a few seated officers there. With Aizen still a threat, they couldn't afford to send a Captain or Lieutenant. So, it had been decided to send a mixed group of officers. A three man team would be best, small and powerful, without sacrificing too many resources. The co-3rd Seat of Division 13, Kiyone Kotetsu, the 7th Seat of Division 4, Hanatarou Yamada, and the 4th Seat of the 11th Division, 'Butler', would be a well-balanced team, and would be somewhat normal in their behavior.

That's how Captain-Commander Yamamoto reasoned it when he made his bet on what would happen to the 11th after the 4th was removed. The smart money was that it would become a manure-filled sty that was perpetually on fire while everyone tried to kill each other, resorted to cannibalism, and finally all died of various diseases/wounds as a result.

Oh how he underestimated them.

* * *

As the team of Soul Reapers entered Karakura Town, they took a brief moment to marvel at the wonders of the modern society filled with technology. Until a car crashed and one of them ran over to perform a _konso_. And again when a guy got mugged for his wallet. And then the bank robbery. And the other car crash. Then the alley rape...

They quickly were disillusioned as to the wonders of modern society.

Especially after they saw the hospital, where half of the people were in for the same or similar reasons.

"Hey, I've got a question for you." Kiyone asked Hanatarou as they tour- I mean familiarized themselves around Karakura.

"W-What is it?" Hanatarou meekly responded.

"What's the logic of putting us three together? I mean, we have someone from the 4th, the 11th, and the 13th, how does that work?" She elaborated.

"Well, I'm probably here just to heal you both when you fight, um...Butler is here to be the heavy fighter, and you're probably here to keep him from trying to eat me." Hanatarou quietly explained.

"That makes sense, I guess. But why would he eat you?" Kiyone asked.

"W-Well, he _is _in the 11th..." Hanatarou replied, looking somewhat scared of the man in front of them. He was a fair distance away, but if he still could hear them, he didn't want to give him ideas, or worse, anger him...

"Yeah, but that just means he'll beat you to a bloody pulp, not eat you! Hollows do that. He'll probably just fight whenever we see a Hollow and get that weird desire to kill that defines the 11th out of his system, and you'll be fine." Kiyone reasoned.

Hanatarou tripped over a sewer grate, loosing his shoe.

"Unless you break your own neck, but otherwise, you'll be fine!" She corrected.

"I have no reason to fight either of you." 'Butler' said from behind her.

"AIIEEE!" Kiyone squealed as she shunpo'ed away. Hanatarou just froze up while trying to free his foot and hoped that if he didn't move, Butler wouldn't see him.

Butler shrugged and continued checking the area for any Hollows. Or a restaurant, it was hard to tell. They did need to eat something, after all.

* * *

At the 11th Division, the entire barracks was quickly realizing the difficulty of cleaning. They had been shocked at the discovery of a washing machine. It appeared that this was how the 4th seat cleaned their sheets, and they had never noticed. Yumichika was going into some sort of euphoric state of shock as he discovered a 'Delicate' feature. Everyone processed this new information, a task that required several minutes of temple-rubbing and steaming ears, as they tried to figure out how to get their sheets clean. They had gotten to "Put sheets in washer." when they were interrupted when the kitchen caught fire. Evidently, someone had decided that the oven was to cook things with while they were looking for food. Sadly, they forgot to take the eggs out of the carton.

* * *

"You know, I've got another question." Kiyone said.

"Yes, w-what is it this time?" Hanatarou replied.

"How do you fight with a mop?" Kiyone mused.

"I'm more curious as to how he performs konso." Hanatarou mused in turn. He then started to walk into oncoming traffic until Kiyone grabbed him.

"At this rate, you'll kill yourself before anything else." She grumbled.

"I-I'm sorry! I didn't look where I was going, and I could have hurt you if you hadn't pulled away in time-" Hanatarou was cut off from his frantic apologizing as Kiyone slapped her hand over his mouth.

"Honestly, with all the annoying apologizing you do, I'm starting to see why most Soul Reapers look down on the 4th." She moaned.

"I'm sorry, I just..." Hanatarou started

Kiyone sighed. This was getting to be an annoying mission already, and the 11th Division guy hadn't even acted up yet. She was _not_ looking forward to when that started.

Butler just ignored them both as he continued to look for either a Hollow or a place to eat.

* * *

Finally, after hours, of searching, came the most glorious thing he had ever laid eyes upon. It was imposing, powerful, and surrounded by people! It reeked of the smell of old meat! It was a Pizza Hut! Such a thing whose food he had only heard rumor of in the Soul Society! And best of all, _he didn't have to cook!_

Butler ran off into the red-roofed building looking like a man possessed.

"What got into him? There aren't any Hollows in the area..." Kiyone asked, confused.

"I think he was just hungry." Hanatarou replied, somewhat awed as the man tore through a slice of pizza in the time it took to read this last sentence.

"Maybe we should join him. If he's distracted by food, he probably won't hurt us." Kiyone reasoned.

"I guess. Ever had pizza?" Hanatarou agreed, then asked.

"No. You?" She responded.

"No. Let's try it." Hanatarou then tripped over his own shoe lace and smashed face-first into the pavement.

Kiyone just shook her head and walked past him.

* * *

In the 11th, Yumichika had been officially put in charge of cooking. The reasoning was that anyone so obviously gay must have some feminine traits, and women were naturally good at cooking! Everyone lined up as Yumichika smiled in his flowery pink apron, which he was saving for just this occasion for reasons beyond the comprehension of a straight man, and served them a green, slightly gelatinous slime from a large pot filled with the same, only with what looked like a living octopus in it.

Most were just happy that it wasn't as bad as Rangiku's cooking. And those that had heard of Orihime's 'talent' had since learned never to complain about their food.

Next on the list of problems, they needed to figure out what to do with all the bodies in the courtyard. But that could wait until tomorrow.

* * *

After getting something to eat, the new group of Soul Reapers decided that they needed to tell Ichigo that they were here. However, none of them knew where he lived. They then argued for a few hours (Or rather, Kiyone tried to argue, as she was used to it, Hanatarou just stood to the side waiting to agree with the outcome, and Butler ignored both of them while he ate his pizza.) before Hanatarou suggested that they track Ichigo's spiritual pressure to his house. Agreeing with the idea, they soon found the family's clinic and saw that Ichigo was not home. They resolved to wait until he returned home and fell asleep, as it was quite late at this point. Or, Kiyone and Hanatarou fell asleep, while Butler cleaned the yard and house while everyone else (including the Kurosaki family) slept, and then fell asleep.

Ichigo returned home with Rukia, tired from a long night of Hollow-hunting. Even worse, there weren't any Hollows to begin with, as evidently Rukia's pager was acting up again. Tired and irritated, the two of them jumped through the window into Ichigo's room. As he rolled onto his bed-

"HELLO, SUBSTITUTE SOUL REAPER ICHIGO KUROSAKI!" Kiyone yelled while she slammed the closet door open, eager to greet him first due to her being accustomed to competing for it. This caused Rukia to fall back on her ass while Ichigo jumped out of bed and hit the ceiling. Hanatarou rubbed his eyes as he got up next to Kiyone and kneeled inside the closet as she did, while Butler leaned out from behind the other door to see.

"WHAT THE HELL?" Ichigo yelled (like a little girl).

"We are here to help relieve you of the issue of the high Hollow concentration! We hope our assistance is welcome and helpful! Now, is there anything at all we can do to help?" Kiyone continued.

Ichigo blinked stupidly, and processed this for a few moments.

"For starters, get out of my closet and let me sleep! And why are you in my closet anyhow?! Find someplace else to sleep!" He yelled.

"Yeah, that's where I sleep! So listen to him and come see us in the morning!" Rukia chimed in.

"Oh. Okay!" Kiyone agreed happily as she and the other two climbed out. They jumped through the window and probably slept in the yard instead.

"What is it about my closet that makes it so damn attractive to Soul Reapers..." Ichigo grumbled as he rolled back into bed.


	5. Ichigo's Morning

**A.N. Alright! Nearly 2,000 words! Longest one yet. So, how many have reviewed so far? I'd check, but I'm pretty sure I'd just disappoint myself. So please just leave one little review when you finish. I beg of you. Also, some inspiration from the reviews, you know who you are and what was inspired. The reviews give me a ton of ideas. I have set up a poll, if you want to vote for what comes next. If you select other, pm me and I will make your idea an option. **

Day 2

It was a beautiful morning in the Soul Society. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, the 11th Division had figured out how the washing machine worked, and Yumichika was looking around the kitchen, thinking about what to do for breakfast.

He found a strange box, lying in a corner covered in dust, with a note on it saying 'Do Not Open'. Sadly, the note was too old to be legible, and he opened it anyhow, confused when he saw another box inside. This one was made from some metal and glass, and had a series of buttons on one side. He saw an instruction booklet and burned it. This _was _the 11th Division, after all. Instructions were for weaklings!

Several Years Ago

The 4th was having an unusual morning. He had found a package sitting in the Captain's office, with a letter stating that the 12th Division had created some sort of all-purpose food cooking unit, based off of a 'microwave', whatever that was.

'_An all-purpose cooking device...so tempting. But remember the words of a wise man: 'If the 12 Division touched it, throw it in the garbage with a pair of tongs. Wait, just to be on the safe side, put it in a corner in case it blows up on impact-OH SHIT-'. I miss him. Well, best just put it in a corner. Where is that 10-foot pole the 4__th__ Division uses to knock?'_

Present Day

"Well, this ought to be very useful! I guess I can make some fresh bread with it!" Yumichika exclaimed, though he had no idea what the device was, or how it worked. He just assumed that if it was in the kitchen, it could be used for cooking. Throwing together some fresh dough, made of the random materials lying around, (including, but not limited to: Rotten eggs, fresh eggs, a live chicken, several species of trout, a potted plant, an octopus, the mushrooms growing in the bathroom, turtle hearts, and some glowing rocks he found by the fence next to the 12th Division) he put half in the box to cook, and left the other half in a bowl next to it. He left to let it cook while he did his makeup.

The rest of the Division wasn't sure what to do with all the (now dead) bodies in the courtyard, and for the first time in history, the daily brawl was canceled due to too many people slipping on intestines, getting eyeballs stuck between their toes, and the occasional exploding body. Someone eventually suggested they throw them over the fence into the 12th Division, and everyone thought it made some kind of sense, so they did that.

* * *

Mayuri walked out to see a pile of fresh corpses in his back yard. Looking around to see if anyone was there (there wasn't), he jumped on the bodies, screamed "Mine!" and dragged them into his lab.

* * *

Zaraki walked to his office to do the daily paperwork. The only problem being he hadn't needed to be in his office since the 4th Seat started doing the paperwork, and he had sort of forgotten where it was. Fortunately, there was a map of the division barracks posted on the wall by the entrance, so this problem was quickly rectified. He walked in, grabbed the first piece of paper, and started to read it.

He continued to read it until Yachiru walked in saw what he was doing, and asked him why he was staring at a piece of paper.

"I'm reading the paperwork. This is the first piece." He answered, gesturing to the pile in front of him.

"But you've been in here since nine in the morning." Yachiru replied.

"And?" he responded.

"It's past noon!" Yachiru gestured to the clock. "And I don't wanna eat Yumi-chan's cooking, so take me somewhere else to eat, cause I'm hungry!" She whined.

Kenpachi agreed with his Lieutenant. Yumichika's food could best be described as being 'Better than Rangiku's' and worst described as 'Somehow edible.' He chuckled at her nickname for the man. No matter what he did, Yachiru was convinced that Yumichika was a girl. He was slightly worried, however, that he had been reading for three hours and hadn't finished the first page.

'_Maybe I should get someone to do it for me. I'll have to make it seem as if there's some sort of 'tough guy' reason, I have a reputation to think of. Don't want anyone to think I'm a sissy.' _He mused as he took Yachiru to a nearby restaurant/bar.

* * *

Meanwhile, the 'dough', for lack of a better word, swelled up inside the microwave until it reached the edges. From then on it began to brown, and actually resembled a large loaf of slightly burnt bread.

It's counterpart in the bowl was subjected to massive amounts of radiation let of by the microwave, and crawled out of the bowl to find something more comfortable to live in. It ate several rats and roaches on the way, slightly expanding in size.

Yumichika walked in, saw the bread-like thing in the microwave, and sliced it up for breakfast. Best of all, it was already toasted and buttered inside! (It was actually just a side effect of the random ingredients, and still being slightly runny inside.) He didn't even notice the missing half.

The 11th division men took this next meal to be a test of their courage as the scarfed it down.

Yes, they could have gone somewhere else with _good_ food just as easily, but ate that crap instead because of their egos. I'd say that was retarded, but this is the 11th Division here. Not exactly the brain trust.

* * *

As they explained to Ichigo why they were here the following morning, Ichigo gradually seemed to calm down about the surprise. He thought for a few minutes, quite a feat when you have the mentality of an average 11th Division cannon fodder, and finally asked about the points that most bothered him.

"How did you all fit in my closet?" He asked. (He completely ignores the 'Snuck into your house, Here to take care of the increase in Hollows caused by you' thing.)

"It's surprisingly roomy in there. We all had quite a good nap." Kiyone replied.

"There's a full-size b-bed in there, and a mini-fridge." Hanatarou added.

"Huh?" Ichigo was confused. Since when had his closet been big enough to fit all that? He glared at Rukia, who was now whistling 'innocently'.

"What?" Rukia asked, noticing his glare.

"Since when has my closet been a small room?" He asked.

"Umm..." Rukia searched for a good answer.

_Flashback_

"_Hey, Urahara!" _

"_Yeah. What is it Rukia? Need some more soul-candy?"_

"_Actually, I was wondering if you could do anything to make Ichigo's closet bigger. I mean, it's big enough to sleep in, but it's kind-of cramped."_

"_Well sure, just ask Ichigo what time is good for me to come over and-"_

"_Actually, I'm pretty sure that Ichigo doesn't want you anywhere near his house. So come by when we're out Hollow-hunting. And make sure that the family doesn't notice you, alright?"_

"_No problem. I still don't see why you don't just sleep with Ichigo, you already moved in-"_

_Rukia punched him in the face. Hard. And then performed a hado that set his clothes on fire._

_End Flashback_

"Umm...It's always been like that?" Rukia replied weakly.

"Right." Ichigo replied, clearly not buying it. He figured it wasn't that important anyway.

"So, why is my house so clean? It's spotless. You didn't do this, did you Hanatarou?" Ichigo continued.

"N-Not at all! I went right to sleep because it was so late! I'm sorry that I didn't even think of cleaning, how rude of me, I-"

"Well, if you didn't clean it, who did? It's pretty nice." Ichigo interrupted.

'Butler' raised his hand.

"Oh. Well, thanks. Who are you?" Ichigo replied.

'Butler' looked a little shocked. Nobody had asked him that since he entered the 11th. He tried to remember the answer when Kiyone answered for him.

"He's the 4th Seat of the 11th. Everyone just calls him 'Butler', because no one remembers his real name, and he doesn't like to talk. In fact, he went so unnoticed that everyone outside of his division forgot that there was supposed to be someone that rank, only the seated officers in his division knew there was one, and Kenpachi was the only person who knew who it was, and even he had forgotten his name." She responded.

"The 4th Seat..." Ichigo thought about that for a moment. He had been doing a lot more of that lately, and it was starting to hurt. His head snapped up. "Wanna spar?" he asked, looking excited.

"He also doesn't fight unless it's necessary, or he's really pissed. Also, I wouldn't recommend it. I heard he only go to be 4th seat because he defeated everyone else in his division except for the Captain, Lieutenant, 3rd and 5th seats, and only then because they weren't there at the time." Kiyone responded for 'Butler'. Hanatarou slid over until Kiyone was between him and 'Butler'.

"Oh. That sucks. I thought he might be a good partner." Ichigo replied, disappointed. "Alright, but why is he holding a mop and a bucket?" He asked, just now noticing.

"That's his shikai." Kiyone answered.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAH!" Ichigo laughed long and hard. "Okay, good one. But really, why?"

The three soul reapers stared. Kiyone stared at Ichigo, not sure what to say, Hanatarou stared at 'Butler' waiting to see if he would go berserk, and 'Butler' kind of just stared into space before he snapped back and just stood up. He took the mop and somehow, without using words, had it grab Ichigo's head with the fiberous end and pull it into the bucket, giving him the rough equivalent of a swirly.

Except that the water in the bucket contains the accumulated dirt and grime of 200+ years of cleaning, and was thoroughly acidic at this point. Suffice to say that Ichigo got the point as it burned away at his flesh. He pulled his head out and tried to attack 'Butler' who easily dodged until Ichigo calmed down.

"WHAT THE HELL IS IN THAT THING?!" Ichigo yelled at him as he washed off his face under the sink.

"That would be the same bucket he uses when he mops the 11th Division. I guess it steadily absorbed the negative atmosphere, or maybe just the blood and dirt, until it became toxic." Kiyone guessed.

"Or maybe that's how he attacks." Hanatarou added.

After a few more deep breathing exercises (Rukia had been trying to get him to get a leash on his temper) he continued. "I thought that the 4th Division did all the cleaning."

"We did, but we stopped cleaning the 11th after our members stopped coming back." Hanatarou replied.

Rukia's pager went off, indicating a Hollow. For more simple explanations, go to 1-800-OBV-IOUS for a free trial today!

"Alright! Finally, some action!" Ichigo yelled, excited after the previous night of disappointment.

"We'll come with you!" Kiyone yelled as well, not wanting to be outdone.

They all jumped out the window, except for Hanatarou who tripped over the sill, fell two stories, realized that he had forgotten his zanpakuto, went back for it, jumped out the window, tripped again, but then just kept going.

Karin poked her head through the door. "Why does he think that we don't hear him?" She then went downstairs to eat some of the food that one of their guests had evidently prepared overnight.


	6. Hitsugaya's Office

**A.N. I am starting to run out of good ideas. If anyone has any, please pm me. Read and review, please! Damn, I sound desperate, don't I? Beta'd by TheCatWithTheHat.**

With Ichigo and company...

Before them was possibly the ugliest, most disgusting thing they had ever seen in their lives and/or afterlives. It was a hollow, certainly but...

"Would someone tell me why that hollow is a massive steaming pile of shit?" Kiyone asked, thoroughly nauseated just from the smell of it. Everyone else didn't respond as they tried to hold their breath. Except for Hanataro, who was used to the smell from hours in the sewers.

'Butler' stared at the monstrosity. It was as if the thing was_designed_for him to fight! Feeling a bloodlust that had lain dormant for decades, he charged at the hollow head on, spinning his mop in his hand. He took the bucket and emptied the contents, sending a massive wave of dirty water at the shit-hollow. As the unholy substance smashed into it, the acid began to melt his massive form and the motion ground away at him. Soon, he was little more than a pile of dirty water. Using his mop, 'Butler' absorbed the water and twisted it into the bucket. Somehow, a bucket that should only hold two liters of water at most was able to hold an entire lakeof the volatile substance. No one questioned it. Instead, they all stared at Butler in irritation, as the sewer-water had gotten all over them, and now they smelled rather ripe.

Immediately afterwards, Hanataro bought several flowers to try to get everyone to smell better. It did not work.

* * *

Kurotsuchi was in his lab, trying to find the exact cause for the insane bloodlust of the 11thDivision. So far, most of the results pointed to a chemical hormone he had made to try and increase aggression, but had chucked out because of side-effects, namely a massive drop in higher mental functions.

Unfortunately, Kurotsuchi was not very careful with how he disposed of his old chemicals. He had thought that was going to come back to bite him someday. He would have to find out how the chemical got in the 11thDivision, and then research the effects. Later though, for now he had to satisfy his necrophilia-I mean, scientific curiosity. The fact that he needed lubricant was in case the machines needed oiling, not for any other reason.

The other members of the 12th Division had long since learned to never go into Kurotsuchi's lab if there was a strange grunting noise coming out.

* * *

In the 10thDivision, Hitsugaya was walking to his office to do his paperwork. It wasn't due for a few weeks, but getting it done early showed the other captains that he was very responsible and capable of handling his position. It had nothing to do with any sort of inferiority complex, no matter what Rangiku said.

As he entered his office, he noticed it was unusually crowded. To be specific, all the other captains save Kenpachi and Kurotsuchi were in there, seated in front of the window. Even Yamamoto, who was looking out the window with old-fashioned spectacles. They had moved the couch to face the window as well as brought in other pieces of furniture for their own comfort.

"With all due respect, what exactly are you all doing in my office?" Hitsugaya asked them.

"Hmm? Oh, we're watching the 11th Division to keep track of our bets. We decided that this would be the best place. It has a great view!" Kyoraku informed him before drinking some sake. The other captains nodded in agreement, many eating some snack or another.

"Well, why do you need to all be here? Surely, some of you could go to the 12th Division; they must have just as good a view." Hitsugaya replied. Seriously, it was so crowded in his office, how could he get any work done?

"We could, but honestly, none of us want to be anywhere near that place. Especially if the stories that my officers tell me are true." Ukitake countered.

"Why don't you join us? we all know you don't have any pressing need to do paperwork." Matsumoto invited from the couch, where she was obviously taking the situation as a good excuse to slack off.

Hitsugaya thought about it for a moment. Perhaps this would be a good way to take his mind off Aizen, Momo, and the stresses of being a captain for a little while. He reluctantly accepted, at which Matsumoto grabbed him in a suffocating hug and dragged him over. The other captains just rolled their eyes at the scene.

* * *

Over at the 11th Division, things had started to fall into a routine. Yumichika cooks something barely edible, they all fight, throw the corpses over the wall, clean as necessary (Somehow, there had only been twenty-three cleaning related deaths, all because they drank something that anyone with half a brain would know better than to drink) rinse and repeat. Kenpachi had scared someone in the 4th Division into doing the paperwork as he realized that half of his division was illiterate, and the other half was too stupid. Many of the soul reapers had learned that cleaning after their fights was a lot tougher than they thought, and so they spent their days drinking. A lot. Honestly, they hadn't been sober in several days. Which was all fine and good, except some of them were starting to get some strange ideas. One group got so drunk that they started drawing a hentai of Yachiru and- Wait, Kenpachi just killed them. Never mind. But another group had formed a devil-worshiping cult, making a sculpture of corpses in the courtyard and wearing blood as makeup. And some other groups made them seem normal by comparison.

The true extent of the drunken madness would not be seen for some time.


End file.
